Season 5, Episode 1: “Why Save for Retirement When the World Is on Fire?”

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 2 Comments

More than a few readers have asked us a variation of this question: “why save for retirement when the world is on fire?” In fact, they’ve asked often enough that we decided to dust off the ol’ podcast and address the doomerism head-on.

We try to keep things light around here. Or rather, we try to lighten up the dark times with a liberal application of 90s pop culture gifs and dick jokes.* For the most part, we’re successful! If we can give you a sensible chuckle or a hearty snort-laugh while you’re reading about the racism and classism inherent in the credit scoring industry, then we consider it a job well done.

Why Save for Retirement When the World Is on Fire?

But there’s no denying that right now… shit’s bleak.

A handful of our followers have therefore asked us some variation on a concerning theme: If everything’s going to hell in a hand basket, why should I even bother saving for a future retirement that won’t exist?

Like I said: bleak.

We’re happy to have an opportunity to show off our rarely-glimpsed optimistic sides. These times are unprecedented—but they’re also super precedented. History is brimming with excellent guides for surviving turbulent times, and we can learn from them how to brace ourselves and protect what’s important. It’s a conversation worth tuning in for, even if you’re feeling more hopeful about the future.

*Bitches Get Riches: It’s not just dick jokes about money… it’s also money jokes about dicks!

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Cosmic Truths of Cheap Grocery Shopping: 12 Universal Rules to Save Money on All Food, Everywhere

Cosmic Truths of Cheap Grocery Shopping: 12 Universal Rules to Save Money on Food, No Matter What You Buy or Where You Shop

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 27 Comments

Hi, it’s me: the crazy person who made a 2+ hour-long video reviewing grocery stores!

Did you think I was done? Never! I’m the Saiyan warrior of personal finance writers. If a topic brings me to the brink of total annihilation, it only makes me more powerful. The positive response to that video was the senzu bean I needed to bounce back with even more cheap grocery shopping wisdom. To our new readers: welcome. To our new Patreon donors: thank you.

Many readers lamented that they live far away from the stores featured in my investigation. With them in mind, I challenged myself to come up with some really juicy, delicious advice that could apply to everyone who shops for food. And I think I’ve managed to do just that.

Today’s advice is universal. These are *cosmic truths* about grocery shopping. They will save you money on food, no matter what you buy or where you shop. If rising food prices are a source of stress in your life—as they are in mine!—I promise you’ll learn something helpful.

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Ask the Bitches: “How Do I Consume Ethically AND Frugally Under the Trump Tariffs?”

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 6 Comments

Back in the Before Times, we published an article titled Ethical Consumption: How to Pollute the Planet and Exploit Labor Slightly Less. Since then, times have, uh… changed! Because tariffs!

And while much of our advice on ethical consumption still holds true, today I’m going to be revisiting that advice. My goal is to shine a light on how we should all approach shopping during The Stupidest Trade War while still maintaining our morals and savings rates.

We really know how to have fun here, don’t we?

Let’s kick things off with a question from a follower called Blossom:

Hi Auntie Bitches! I have a question regarding an impasse of ethics and finances, so of course I figured you’d be the experts!

I live in the USA, and absolutely hate the direction things are headed in. I’m inspired by hearing that Canada and a ton of countries in Europe are boycotting absolutely everything American made. This is genius because the only way to hurt the greedy pricks at the top is to hurt their bottom lines.

I really want to join in and buy as few goods that are made in the states as possible. However, I also live here and my household budget is already pretty tight. With this ridiculous trade war going on, imported goods will become even more costly.

I’m stuck between a possibly unlivable budget if fully switching to goods that aren’t made here; or being a tad more financially sound but forced to feed the fascism machine by using American goods.

Please, I’d love some advice on how to navigate this?

– Blossom, alert citizen of Bitch Nation

Blossom is clearly paying attention. We couldn’t be more proud of them for considering activism in the face of personal hardship. We should all be more like Blossom.

But I think there’s a fundamental flaw in how they’re approaching the problem. Nevertheless, I think we can come to a solution that does the least amount of harm to Blossom’s bottom line… while still supporting the changes they want to see. Let’s unpack that!

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To Hell and Back for Cheap Groceries

To Hell and Back for Cheap Groceries: The Epic Investigation (and Shocking Results) of My Grocery Store Price Comparison Quest

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 82 Comments

Today, I’m talking about grocery store prices.

I chose this topic because I’m worried. Terrible times are ahead. We’ve been writing a lot about politics—and we’ll keep doing so—but it can feel like scream-preaching to the void-choir. We’ve been wracking our brains to come up with nourishing, material strategies to help our followers through the lean times ahead.

Right now, all I want is to give you guys an easy win. If I could use my time and talents to help you folks save $20 a month, I’d be good with that. Groceries are something we all must buy in order to live. So I opened a small investigation comparing prices at a few local grocery stores.

My “small investigation” became the most time- and labor-intensive topic I’ve ever covered for Bitches Get Riches.

This investigation hauled me bodily to the summit of my abilities, then cast me down the mountainside of my own ambition into a boiling, stinking chasm of magmatic insanity.

Do you want to save $20 a month? I’m positive I can help you do it. But there’s a price to be paid. You’ll have to come with me on a journey. A journey from the worst grocery stores in America, all the way to the best.

Casual visitors, turn back! You don’t need to notice deceptive unit pricing at our nation’s largest budget retailers! You can spend your whole life not caring about the product-to-price ratio of frozen pizzas! Swallow the blue pill and sleep forever in ignorant bliss. I don’t judge you; I envy you.

But if you really want to save money on groceries, take a deep breath. Take my hand. Trust me.

We’re going to hell and back for cheap groceries.

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The Library is a Magical Place and You Should Fucking Go There

The Library Is a Magical Place and You Should Fucking Go There

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 48 Comments

Back when I lived in a hippie commune with approximately 9 humans and 37 dogs, I biked to the library on a regular basis. It was an easy way to keep myself in reading material without spending all of my meager paycheck on books.

As I was leaving one day, I asked one of my roommates if she wanted me to pick up anything at the library for her. Her response: “Is it free?”

Is it free? Is it free?

Let’s pretend for a minute that it’s not completely weird and unbelievable that an adult human being could grow up in LeVar Burton’s United States of America without ever having learned the first thing (literally, the very first thing) about the public library. Let’s also set aside the fact that this particular person was an English major! I’ll just state, definitively and for the record:

Yes, the library is free, you darling fool. But it might not be for much longer. Let’s get into it.

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The Resignation Checklist: 25 Sneaky Ways To Bleed Your Employer Dry Before Quitting

The Resignation Checklist: 25 Sneaky Ways To Bleed Your Employer Dry Before Quitting

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 37 Comments

One night, after I’d already been writing Bitches Get Riches for many years, I awoke in a cold sweat, gripped with the sudden realization that I had an incredibly comprehensive resignation checklist… but I’d never actually written it down.

It was the height of the post-pandemic “Great Resignation.” Millions of Americans were walking away from their jobs. And I’d been selfishly sitting on a list of ways to bleed said companies dry before peaceing out and driving off into the sunset.

I recognize that this constitutes a top ten anime betrayal.

許してくれ。

I'm so sorry I didn't write this resignation checklist sooner!!

The thing is… I’d been daydreaming about leaving my job for years. These plans had been a part of me for so long that I kinda forgot they were plans at all. Like, I don’t necessarily notice my own breathing. Why would I notice something equally natural and reflexive: constructing elaborate fantasies about leaving corporate America forever?

Planning to quit ahead of time is a great advantage. Not everyone gets it. In most states, people can be fired suddenly, for no reason. Other people need to leave their job abruptly because of absolutely untenable issues like workplace safety or harassment. Those people do not have the luxury of planning a soft landing for themselves.

But if you’re planning to quit voluntarily, you can do what they cannot. You can be strategic. Y’know, like Light Yagami eating potato chips! And in doing so, you can extract a ton of value back from your employer and/or your government before you go.

I quit my job and retired forever in 2022. As my final date approached, I systematically went through this list myself. It saved me thousands of dollars. It also prevented a lot of logistical headaches for my future self. Which was important, because I wanted to set her up with a low stress post-job lifestyle. Listening to the hold music for the COBRA continuation assistance hotline was not on my retirement vision board!

This article was originally published upon my retirement. It jumped immediately into our top-ten most popular list, and has stayed there pretty much ever since. Now that we’ve branched into audio and video formats, I’m sharing it again, along with a few new ideas generated by our amazing Patrons and readers.

Please enjoy this, my ultimate resignation checklist…

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How To Save Money With Affordable Car Repairs

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 13 Comments

It shouldn’t cost $64 to change a lightbulb.

Yet that was the quote they gave me when I took my 10-year-old Volkswagen Golf to the dealership for service. Along with another $4,824.56 in repairs of varying urgency. I met this estimate with cool and queenly disdain, declined the repairs, and left with an oil change on the house. (They knew what they did)

Because I know I can get my car repaired for cheaper! Like… way cheaper! All it requires is a little time, elbow grease, and good sense.

What some dealerships and mechanics charge for car repairs is, frankly, obscene. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Today I’m going to talk about my recent experience with the service department of a car dealership and explain, step by step, how I went on to pay significantly less for car repairs outside the dealership… and how you can too.

Gird you loins, people. It’s about to get reeeeeeal fuckin’ spiteful up in here.

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MASTERPOST: Everything You Need To Know About Taxes

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 2 Comments

It’s that time again! The Ides of April approacheth. Time to pay the piper, render under Caesar what is Caesar’s, and pay your dues, for there is nothing sure in the world save death and our topic for the day.

Yes, that’s right: It’s officially tax season yet again. RUDE.

Over the years we’ve covered many aspects of taxes—from how to file them for free to what to do if you fuck ’em up. So today I’m gathering all our scintillating tax season advice together in one place. For no matter how little money you make, nor how full of moths your wallet, the tax man comes for us all.

Taxes are based on your income, not how much you've managed to save. Just FYI.
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How to Leave Home Before 18

How to Leave Home Before 18

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 19 Comments

Hi, everyone!

Okay okay, that’s enough pleasantries. I’m worked up.

A while back, I read an article about queer teens being thrown out of their homes by unsupportive families. It had a lot of advice that sounded pretty good on the surface. Talk to your teachers and guidance counselors! Pursue legal emancipation! Seek therapy!

“Bah,” I scoffed through a mouthful of Babybel cheese. “Amateurs! Someone needs to write a real guide. Someone who actually knows what it’s like!”

And I was too busy playing with that weird red wax to remember I was exactly that person.

I left home when I was a junior in high school. The reasons were complicated and sad. Suffice to say I was driven to find physical and psychological safety I wasn’t getting at home.

Everything worked out for me. I got lucky and landed on my feet. Did I pick up a few psychological scars from the experience? Yes—but they added to my roguish charm! The thing is, I went into it completely blind. Which isn’t the best strategy. Sorta like throwing yourself down a mountain and hoping you learn to ski on the way down. (Also a thing I did once. How am I alive???)

In my experience, most of the advice for young people in this situation is insufficient—and a bunch of it is fucking delusional. Today’s article is a guide that I wish I could’ve read when I was a kid.

This is an updated, expanded version of an article we first published in 2019. I think it’s one of the most important things I’ve ever written, and it’s one of the most popular articles in the long and storied history of Bitches Get Riches. I’ve added a bunch of new stuff, including advice for older, stable folks who want to reach back down the ladder and help others climb up.

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I Took 40 Days of Vacation Time in 2024 and I Feel No Remorse

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 5 Comments

How many vacation days did you take this year? How many does your employer allow you to take? Did you work through illness and burnout because you didn’t have enough paid time off to rest and recuperate? Did you skip meaningful events with your family? When was the last time you took an actual vacation from your job?

Today we’re talking about vacation time, or paid time off (PTO). It’s the bitter controversy that launched a thousand memes about the difference between Europe and the United States.

In the past, I’ve worked for employers that offered anywhere from 6 to 10 vacation days per year. I’ve worked for companies that allow you to take comp time (i.e., if you work on a weekend day, you may add that day to your total PTO). Currently, I work for a company that “doesn’t have a vacation policy.” Other employers call this “unlimited PTO.” In practice, this means that I can take as many days off as I see fit, so long as I get my work done.

With that generous vacation time policy, you might be wondering how much time I took off this year. Welp…

I took 8 fucking work weeks of vacation time this year. That’s 40 whole days.

And I feel absolutely no remorse. In fact, I feel giddy. I feel like celebrating! Let’s unpack that!

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