Who Killed the Great American CEO?

Who Killed the Great American CEO?

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 5 Comments

If you’re one of the wealthy, powerful, litigious people I’m about to cast in a not-so-favorable light, welcome! Congratulations on all your success! I urge you to note our (laughably tiny) total number of YouTube subscribers and reflect upon this Wikipedia article before deciding to make a whole thing about it.

CEOs aren’t so popular right now. To prove this, I can give you statistics on how much the American public hates them—they really, really do—or I can just ask you to remember the moment when UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was killed.

He was assassinated in cold blood, on a public street, in broad daylight. And the public didn’t mourn it—they celebrated it. Reactions to the news ranged from contemptuous indifference to sadistic glee. Many people view his alleged killer, Luigi Mangione, far more sympathetically than they did Thompson. The prosecutors in that case believe there’s a serious risk that the jury may rule in Mangione’s favor. Not because he didn’t do it—but because they understand why he did it.

And it’s not just healthcare CEOs. Wesley LePatner was the CEO of Blackstone’s Real Estate Investment Trust. They’re a private equity giant headed by Lehman Brothers alumni specialized in buying up real estate in the midst of our ongoing housing crisis. When she was shot and killed in her Manhattan office, there was some excitement online that she may have been targeted for this reason. As it turns out, she appears to have been an unlucky casualty of a gunman who wanted to terrorize different executives. But there is clearly an appetite for violence against people in business leadership.

And that appetite is growing. People who scrape by on less than $50K a year hate CEOs about three times as much as middle-class folks. And since joblessness is rising and wages have stagnated, the number of low-income people is growing, and so presumably is hatred of CEOs.

Now, I don’t blame people one bit for loathing CEOs. I think their rage is pretty logical. When my parents were born, a CEO earned about 20 times more than their workers. They now pay themselves 630 times more. CEOs have been talking out of both sides of their mouths, bragging about record-breaking quarters while wringing their hands when employees beg for really basic shit like a full headcount. They’re yanking back work-from-home opportunities, which they hypocritically still grant to themselves. They’ve gone all-in on AI designed to make their own workforce obsolete. They’ve kissed the ring of fascists… with tongue. And many work harder to cultivate a mythologized public image than to actually do good, and they get all pissy when people notice they’re full of shit.

In a time when most people live one medical crisis away from bankruptcy, CEOs live rarified lives that the rest of us can only dream about. Money is so cheap to them they can afford to rent whole cities for their weddings, build mega-mansions on private islands, work remotely from their private yachts, seek immortality with any ethically dubious medical treatment they like, and brush off the kinds of tax and legal troubles that would ruin anyone else.

…So, yeah, not a lot to love there!

All of this stirs up a question in my mind: does it have to be this way?

Do all CEOs have to be bloodsucking assholes? Are anger and hatred inevitable trade-offs for wealth and power? Or is it possible for one enterprising person to start a great American business and get rich without exploiting their customers and/or workers along the way?

And if so, where are they? What’s happened to the good CEOs? Did King Haggard bid the Red Bull to gather them up and drive them into the sea? Because I can’t find them!

I’m asking this question because it feels like America’s bench of heroes is running very thin. And—spoiler alert—I do think it’s possible for good CEOs to exist. We need them now more than ever. But I think they’re being driven to the brink of extinction by a dangerous group of people you need to know more about.

Luckily for me, there’s a crystal clear example happening right now now, in my local news. It’s gonna give me a great opportunity to illustrate the systemic pressures driving good people out of leadership roles in business. And luckily for you, it’s also juicy and fascinating family drama.

That’s right: we’re going back to Market Basket.

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Inside the Cartoonishly Evil World of Private Equity

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 5 Comments

Today’s topic is going to make you feel insane. Like you’re literally losing your mind. But I promise we’re not making it all up.

If, as you’re reading along, you find yourself going back over a sentence four or five times just thinking, “that can’t possibly be right,” or even “that has to be a typo, she clearly meant to say something else”… then congrats! You’ve read everything correctly!

Your ability to actually absorb the information I’m about to impart is contingent upon your Mindhunter-like ability to step into the head of a coldblooded psychopath. So c’mon, Clarice, let’s go!

Because of course, today we’re finally getting around to telling you about private equity.

In researching for this article, I read three very helpful books:

  • Plunder: Private Equity’s Plan to Pillage America by Brendan Ballou
  • These Are the Plunderers: How Private Equity Runs and Wrecks America by Gretchen Morgenson and Joshua Rosner
  • Bad Company: Private Equity and the Death of the American Dream by Megan Greenwell

Using words like “plunder” and “pillage” when it comes to private equity is pretty apt. For like the viking hordes of old, contemporary private equity plunderers swoop in to take what they want to enrich themselves and leaving what’s left to crumble and burn.

I highly recommend these books if you want a more in-depth explanation of the ills of private equity, leveraged buyouts, and unregulated capitalist practices. This here is an overview. An amuse-bouche of kleptocratic insanity. By contrast, the authors of these books do a much better job than me of not sounding like unhinged weirdos while they present the results of years of rigorous journalistic inquiry.

Just wanted to establish my sources so you know I’m not making this shit up.

I really wish I were.

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Season 5, Episode 2: “How Do I Survive and Thrive on My First Ever Business Trip?”

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 4 Comments

I will never forget the all-consuming rush of panic I felt when my credit card was declined on my second ever business trip.

I was 23 years old and making $23,000 a year. The company I worked for required that employees pay for business trip travel expenses upfront and submit receipts for reimbursements. Which, for a recent college grad making a laughably small salary was, in hindsight, wildly unethical. I had one single personal credit card—mostly for emergencies—with a limit of $1,500 because again, I was 23 making $23k. And when I checked in to the hotel for a work conference, the desk clerk discreetly and politely informed me that my card had been declined.

I went to my boss (who had no trouble checking in) to ask what I should do and his advice was “Put it on a different credit card.”

Sir. Sir.

Today we’re talking about traveling for work: How to not just survive, but thrive on a business trip. Because man, I really wish someone had given me this advice before I found myself frantically calling my credit card company to raise my credit limit in a random hotel lobby in Sacramento. If I can spare you all the indignities I endured while navigating my first business trip, then I will have passed the test, diminish, and go into the West!

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What's a severance package? And should I always accept it?

What’s a Severance Package? And Should I Always Accept It?

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 10 Comments

Our Patreon donors get to vote on what we write about, and in their infinite wisdom, they selected the topic of severance packages.

I wish I could pepper this with lots of puns on Severance, the show. But I can’t, because I’m not watching it. Sorry, Severance stans—it’s not personal! I refuse to participate in any more mystery box media until it’s concluded AND the conclusion is well received by its fans. It’s for my own protection. The mystery box train usually only goes to two destinations: Cancellation City, or the Incorporated Township of Wasting My Time. I will no longer let myself scrounge for crumbs of satisfaction in a show-runner’s AMA responses as part of the ten-year retrospective. Call me when it’s over and the last season netted an 8.0 average or better on IMDB, Ben Stiller!

Let’s hang the concept of severance packages on a classic good news, bad news framework!

The bad news? You’ve been laid off. Y’know, dismissed? Let go? Made redundant? Fired—out of a cannon, straight into the sun? No matter the euphemism, the result is the same. The kingdom has shut its gates to you, and your descendants will be cursed to toil in the wilderness, filling their bellies with dust.

The good news? You might have an extra paycheck or two coming your way.

Around 25% of employers offer severance pay, making it neither common nor uncommon. It’s a benefit that’s typically reserved for white collar employees, or those who work specifically on the corporate side of major retailers and service providers. And if you think that sounds classist—good! It is! You’ve been paying attention!

If you already know your industry/field/role doesn’t offer this perk, or if you’re not employed right now, you may take this period as an open study hall.

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MASTERPOST: Everything You Need To Know About Buying Stuff for Cheap

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 2 Comments

Friends, we’ve written a lot about consumerism and buying stuff recently. From our five secrets of secondhand shopping to our epic grocery store price comparison investigation… we’ve really belabored the subject.

And who could blame us? With inflation, price-gouging, planned obsolescence, and tariffs making everything from basic necessities to tech more expensive, shopping has been a huge part of our personal finance calculations recently.

But we need to move on. The people demand a robust and variegated content schedule from your humble Bitches! So here is the master list of everything we’ve written on how to buy stuff—frugally, ethically, and with more sense than god gave a grapefruit.

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Season 5, Episode 1: “Why Save for Retirement When the World Is on Fire?”

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 10 Comments

More than a few readers have asked us a variation of this question: “why save for retirement when the world is on fire?” In fact, they’ve asked often enough that we decided to dust off the ol’ podcast and address the doomerism head-on.

We try to keep things light around here. Or rather, we try to lighten up the dark times with a liberal application of 90s pop culture gifs and dick jokes.* For the most part, we’re successful! If we can give you a sensible chuckle or a hearty snort-laugh while you’re reading about the racism and classism inherent in the credit scoring industry, then we consider it a job well done.

Why Save for Retirement When the World Is on Fire?

But there’s no denying that right now… shit’s bleak.

A handful of our followers have therefore asked us some variation on a concerning theme: If everything’s going to hell in a hand basket, why should I even bother saving for a future retirement that won’t exist?

Like I said: bleak.

We’re happy to have an opportunity to show off our rarely-glimpsed optimistic sides. These times are unprecedented—but they’re also super precedented. History is brimming with excellent guides for surviving turbulent times, and we can learn from them how to brace ourselves and protect what’s important. It’s a conversation worth tuning in for, even if you’re feeling more hopeful about the future.

*Bitches Get Riches: It’s not just dick jokes about money… it’s also money jokes about dicks!

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Cosmic Truths of Cheap Grocery Shopping: 12 Universal Rules to Save Money on All Food, Everywhere

Cosmic Truths of Cheap Grocery Shopping: 12 Universal Rules to Save Money on Food, No Matter What You Buy or Where You Shop

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 34 Comments

Hi, it’s me: the crazy person who made a 2+ hour-long video reviewing grocery stores!

Did you think I was done? Never! I’m the Saiyan warrior of personal finance writers. If a topic brings me to the brink of total annihilation, it only makes me more powerful. The positive response to that video was the senzu bean I needed to bounce back with even more cheap grocery shopping wisdom. To our new readers: welcome. To our new Patreon donors: thank you.

Many readers lamented that they live far away from the stores featured in my investigation. With them in mind, I challenged myself to come up with some really juicy, delicious advice that could apply to everyone who shops for food. And I think I’ve managed to do just that.

Today’s advice is universal. These are *cosmic truths* about grocery shopping. They will save you money on food, no matter what you buy or where you shop. If rising food prices are a source of stress in your life—as they are in mine!—I promise you’ll learn something helpful.

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Ask the Bitches: “How Do I Consume Ethically AND Frugally Under the Trump Tariffs?”

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 9 Comments

Back in the Before Times, we published an article titled Ethical Consumption: How to Pollute the Planet and Exploit Labor Slightly Less. Since then, times have, uh… changed! Because tariffs!

And while much of our advice on ethical consumption still holds true, today I’m going to be revisiting that advice. My goal is to shine a light on how we should all approach shopping during The Stupidest Trade War while still maintaining our morals and savings rates.

We really know how to have fun here, don’t we?

Let’s kick things off with a question from a follower called Blossom:

Hi Auntie Bitches! I have a question regarding an impasse of ethics and finances, so of course I figured you’d be the experts!

I live in the USA, and absolutely hate the direction things are headed in. I’m inspired by hearing that Canada and a ton of countries in Europe are boycotting absolutely everything American made. This is genius because the only way to hurt the greedy pricks at the top is to hurt their bottom lines.

I really want to join in and buy as few goods that are made in the states as possible. However, I also live here and my household budget is already pretty tight. With this ridiculous trade war going on, imported goods will become even more costly.

I’m stuck between a possibly unlivable budget if fully switching to goods that aren’t made here; or being a tad more financially sound but forced to feed the fascism machine by using American goods.

Please, I’d love some advice on how to navigate this?

– Blossom, alert citizen of Bitch Nation

Blossom is clearly paying attention. We couldn’t be more proud of them for considering activism in the face of personal hardship. We should all be more like Blossom.

But I think there’s a fundamental flaw in how they’re approaching the problem. Nevertheless, I think we can come to a solution that does the least amount of harm to Blossom’s bottom line… while still supporting the changes they want to see. Let’s unpack that!

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To Hell and Back for Cheap Groceries

To Hell and Back for Cheap Groceries: The Epic Investigation (and Shocking Results) of My Grocery Store Price Comparison Quest

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 89 Comments

Today, I’m talking about grocery store prices.

I chose this topic because I’m worried. Terrible times are ahead. We’ve been writing a lot about politics—and we’ll keep doing so—but it can feel like scream-preaching to the void-choir. We’ve been wracking our brains to come up with nourishing, material strategies to help our followers through the lean times ahead.

Right now, all I want is to give you guys an easy win. If I could use my time and talents to help you folks save $20 a month, I’d be good with that. Groceries are something we all must buy in order to live. So I opened a small investigation comparing prices at a few local grocery stores.

My “small investigation” became the most time- and labor-intensive topic I’ve ever covered for Bitches Get Riches.

This investigation hauled me bodily to the summit of my abilities, then cast me down the mountainside of my own ambition into a boiling, stinking chasm of magmatic insanity.

Do you want to save $20 a month? I’m positive I can help you do it. But there’s a price to be paid. You’ll have to come with me on a journey. A journey from the worst grocery stores in America, all the way to the best.

Casual visitors, turn back! You don’t need to notice deceptive unit pricing at our nation’s largest budget retailers! You can spend your whole life not caring about the product-to-price ratio of frozen pizzas! Swallow the blue pill and sleep forever in ignorant bliss. I don’t judge you; I envy you.

But if you really want to save money on groceries, take a deep breath. Take my hand. Trust me.

We’re going to hell and back for cheap groceries.

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