How To Get Married: Bureaucracy, Finances, and Legal Paperwork To Do Before “I Do”

Every once in a while we Bitches are asked marriage or relationship questions. And it amuses me to no end that we are seen as ADULTS with STABLE MARRIAGES and HEALTHY LIFESTYLES. Because we live in keen awareness that we’re floating slowly down a river of Parmesan cheese straight into the yawning mouth of the Ninth Gate of Death, just like everybody else.

Not that’s it’s necessarily wrong! My marriage with Bear just feels like such a humble, natural thing. How could it possibly be instructional to others? He’s currently listening to a podcast in the shower while I do blog stuff from the couch and I love him so stupidly much. 

Yet our loving relationship has much more to do with why we got married than how. Being in love and wanting to spend your life with someone is, sadly, not the only requirement for getting married (common law marriages notwithstanding).

So today I want to talk about the logistics of marriage: the paperwork, the bureaucracy, and the legal gauntlet you must run to get hitched.

In this era of modern romance, it’s pretty common for people to move in together before getting married, even to combine finances or buy property together. We did! That gradual combining of lives makes things pretty painless. But let’s say you’re doing it all at once around the time of the wedding! With that in mind, here’s a list of the steps you need to take to get married… punctuated with gifs from the wedding of John Legend’s dogs.

Paperwork and legal requirements

Marriage license

Go to city hall or the county clerk and get a marriage license. You’ll both sign it and the county clerk will sign it. In some states, your officiant (if you choose to have a wedding ceremony) and a few witnesses will need to sign as well. But this can happen after the going-to-city-hall step.

This is literally the only thing you must do in most states to get married. Unless you need to…

Get a blood test

Yes, some states still require a blood test in order to get a marriage license. The purpose is generally twofold: 1) to prove you’re not related to your intended spouse because incest is bad, and 2) to prove neither of you has a congenital disease you could pass on to your offspring. If that sounds weirdly intrusive and unethical… it is!

Some states will waive this requirements for people over age 50, or pregnant or sterile people. And if you do test positive for a congenital disease, some states might even deny you a marriage license (yeah, it’s messed up).

I had a friend who lived in Mississippi when she got engaged, and the city required her and her fiancé to get a blood test. He was a Black man from Mississippi and she was an immigrant from Slovakia. They still had to get the blood test to prove they weren’t close relatives.

Officiant’s license

If you have a ceremony with an officiant, you’ll also want to double-check that your officiant has a license, if they need one. Ministers, judges, and justices of the peace usually don’t need additional licenses, but it varies by state. But a “layperson” usually needs to perform some bureaucratic gestures to gain the legal right to seal your covenant. (God, that sounds dirty.)

GetOrgained.org is an awesome resource. You can register anyone as a minister, online, for free, regardless of their faith. And they have helpful step-by-step guides about what’s legally required in each state.

Change your name(s)

I’m not going to litigate the name change issue. People have strong feelings about it. Regardless of your feelings, this is the blandest and also most true conclusion about the tradition of changing your name upon marriage: Every couple should decide what works best for their individual situation.

When we got our marriage license, the county clerk helpfully handed over the name change paperwork to me to be filed as well. I stepped away as if it was a venomous snake, crying “No need, madam! For this is a FEMINIST marriage!” To which she very kindly didn’t roll her eyes at me.

Anyway, if you need it, it’s easy to get when you snag that marriage license. It’s usually the first step to getting your driver’s license and passport updated as well.

Additionally, let’s say you change your name when you get married and you have special professional licenses or certificates (a nursing license, for example). You’ll need to contact the board that gives out that license/certificate to update your name with them. Same goes for diplomas (though that’s less necessary if you don’t have an advanced degree).

Though, as my married woman doctor said to me once: “His last name can go on a medical license when he endures eight years of med school. That’s why I use my maiden name professionally.” Preach, sister. Fucking preach.

… or not!

If you don’t change your name, take precautions.

We have some very traditional family members who insist on sending mail or writing checks to “Piggy Bear’s Last Name” or even “Piggy Last Name-Bear’s Last Name,” neither of which is my legal name.

And if you get a check written to the wrong name, your bank won’t let you deposit it. The way to get around this is to put a copy of your marriage license on file with your bank. That way there’s proof of why someone might unintentionally get your name wrong.

Prenuptial agreement

Honestly, prenuptial agreements are mostly useful for the very rich and people who come into a marriage with children or property. If you’re both coming into the marriage with nothing? Kinda useless unless you want to make a future divorce super easy.

For a cautionary tale about why you might want a prenup, I refer you to the divorce of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Homegirl really got screwed there.

Bear and I don’t have a prenup aside from a verbal agreement that says I get the dog and he gets The Goddamn Boat™. 

Protect your documents

Buy a small, fireproof safe or rent a safe deposit box at the bank. Keep your valuable documents in there, including passports, marriage license, birth certificates, SSN cards, etc. Ours also holds our few valuable family heirlooms and the handgun. 

Banking and investments

Combine bank accounts

Here we talk about aaaaaall the different ways couples can combine their expenses—or not! There’s no right way to do it. Kitty and I both have partially combined/partially separate finances with our spouses. It works for us, but you and your spouse should decide what works best for you. 

If you do decide to combine accounts, it should just involve a quick call or visit to your bank. You’ll want to have all your identifying information including Social Security Number handy.

Assign beneficiaries

You have things like investments and retirement accounts and insurance policies. You can make your spouse your beneficiary on these accounts. And if you gain stepchildren with your marriage, you can make them beneficiaries as well. If your bank or insurance company has a website, you can generally take care of this step within minutes online.

All that means is that if you die, they take control of the accounts or get the insurance pay-out. It’s meant to smooth out some of the stress that comes with the death of a loved one.

For example, if Bear kicks the bucket I get about $350K from life insurance policies. That’s enough to pay off our mortgage plus a year or two of his salary, I think. Plus, I get control of his individual accounts, investments, etc. 

(Don’t worry, y’all. He’s more valuable to me alive. Who the hell is going to open all these jars and reach things on high shelves if he buys the farm???)

Homes and vehicles

Mortgage or lease

If you own a house, get your spouse on the deed and the mortgage when you get married. If you rent, get your spouse on the lease. Again, it’s harder to do retroactively than with a new home you buy or rent as a married couple. But it can (and should!) be done for your security and peace of mind.

Also: make sure you are both beneficiaries on your renter’s insurance or home owner’s insurance. Our rental house was robbed three months before our wedding. The renter’s insurance was in my name only. So naturally, the insurance company decided my stolen property didn’t amount to our deductible and his stolen property wasn’t covered because his name wasn’t on the policy.

We didn’t get a cent.

Here’s another gif of these beautiful dog soulmates to stop you from having a rage aneurism on my behalf:

Vehicle insurance and registration

When you get married, get on each other’s vehicle insurance policies and registrations. If you own vehicles, add each other as registered drivers on the insurance policy. And on that note, you might find it’s cheaper to combine your respective vehicles onto a single insurance policy!

You should also both be on the vehicles’ titles and registrations, which is a little bit of a headache to do retroactively. You don’t want to be in a situation where law enforcement suspects you of driving a stolen vehicle because your spouse’s name (and not yours) is on the title.  

Change of address

Fill out change of address forms when you move in together. You can do this at the Post Office website or at any P.O. location. 

Insurance and other legal junk

Appraise the bling

Yeah, get that ring appraised and insured. Bear had a custom amber and white gold ring made for me, and the jeweler included an appraisal, so that was easy. Just needed to call our insurance provider to add it to our “valuable property insurance,” which is generally part of the home owner’s insurance or renter’s insurance policy.

Living will and power of attorney

Just having the marriage license will open you both up to all kinds of privileges and protections (more on that here and why it can discriminate against the unmarried). But just in case, you’ll each want to write a living will and assign your medical power of attorney, which we explain here. 

Ideally, you’ll never need to make a decision for your spouse while they’re medically incapacitated. But sadly, it does happen. So make sure you discuss your wishes before you get married so you’re both on the same page when you draw up this paperwork.

Nothing says love like a legally binding agreement to pull the plug on each other!

Decide on health insurance

Maybe one of you has a better health insurance policy than the other. It might be worth it to ditch the shitty insurance and put both spouses on the premium insurance!

This is one of the steps that can only be done after you get married. Most health insurance providers do not allow unmarried domestic partners to be on the same policy.

You can do this even if you’re not in an open enrollment period. Marriage is considered to be a “qualifying event.”

Inform your employer

For most married couples, I recommend you inform your employer about your marriage. Especially if your spouse will be on your employer-sponsored health or life insurance. And it’s good for the company to have your spouse’s contact info as your emergency contact. If you’re really lucky, you might have cool coworkers who will give you cupcakes and presents just for getting married! Fucking score!

… or don’t!

There are situations where you may not want to.

It’s been legal for all people in the United States, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, to get married for years now. But despite this huge step toward equal rights for queer people… not everyone is on board with those rights. Homophobia is alive and well.

Speaking of zombies: sexist double-standards about marital status are also surprisingly alive! Statistically, married men out-earn every other demographic by a huge margin, yet marriage has a neutral or negative impact on women’s wages. In my lifetime, I’ve heard four different managers explain a bad personnel decision with the phrase “he has a family to support.” But just this year, a good friend was passed over for a raise so she could “spend more time with her family.” (And no, the bastard was too slippery to put it in writing afterward or repeat it with others present.)

You heard it here, single people and mothers: fill your pantry with crisp, refreshing air and pay all your bills with smiles!

If you live in a homophobic community, or your employer is a swamp-brained bigot… You probably know already. Use your judgment. It might be worth it to forego these spousal benefits temporarily to maintain your privacy and safety in a hostile environment.

More on gender roles, queer rights, and marriage in general:

• Queer Finance 101: Ten Ways That Sexual and Gender Identity Affect Finances 
• Traditional Wedding Gifts Can Burn in Hell Where They Belong 
• The Only Advice You’ll Ever Need for a Cheap-Ass Wedding 
• Other People’s Weddings Don’t Have to Make You Broke 
• I Was Happy to Marry a Poor Man. Then Things Changed. 
• How Dafuq Do Couples Share Their Money? 

Children and pets

Decide how to co-parent kids

If you or your spouse have children with another partner, you’ll want to discuss how to handle their parenting and protection within your marriage. You have plenty of options: you can adopt your spouse’s children, becoming their legal parent; you can become a legal guardian, which gives you many of the rights of a parent; or you can do nothing and leave the children’s parents to jump through the legal flaming hoops on their own.

Obviously, coparenting can be a sensitive topic! Regardless of what the adults involved want, these decisions should be made with the kids’ best interests in mind. Blended families can raise wonderful, well-adjusted kids. Or unnecessary drama between parents and step-parents can cause kids stress and unhappiness.

Talk to a family rights lawyer about your options for making sure everyone is protected and comfortable. 

Formalize pet ownership

Dealing with joint custody of pets is a helluva lot simpler. If your city requires your animals to be registered, register them together when you get married! And inform the vet and any kennel or pet services you use that your spouse is now co-owner of your lil’ fur babies. That’s it!

Immigration and citizenship

My family lore includes this gorgeous story about how my grandparents met and married. My grandfather (an American citizen and GI) met my grandmother and her cousin (Italian citizens) while he was on leave in Rome one day. They spent the day together, fell in love, and sent letters to each other between the United States and Italy for two years.

“Then I went back and married her,” my grandfather ends the tale. Cue romantic sighs and applause all around. Amor vincit omnia!

Yet my grandparents conveniently gloss over the hardest part of their story: navigating my grandmother’s emigration and citizenship application. For even in the 1950s, it wasn’t as easy as just signing a marriage license between citizen and non-citizen and moving to the same country. And even though her children were automatically American citizens, it took several years before my grandmother’s citizenship was approved. Even though she was married to an American citizen.

Consult an immigration advocacy group or your state’s resources on immigration and citizenship before you get married. If one of you is a citizen or legal resident of the country and the other is not, your marriage will affect the legal status of the immigrant. For the better, generally, as it does add a ton of protections for the immigrant. Including an easier path to citizenship!

Obviously, this is ‘Murica-centric advice, but again, talk to a professional just in case. 

The legal headaches involved with immigration are no surprise to immigrants. So if this isn’t your issue… maybe allow their stories to influence your voting.

Taxes

When we talk about “equal marriage” or the rights and privileges granted to married people, we’re talking in large part about tax benefits.

There are all kinds of tax advantages that come with getting married! Your tax bracket and taxable income could be lower together than separately. You could get more tax deductions. You’ll receive unlimited gift-giving between spouses and rights of survivorship. You’ll even be able to double the personal residence gain exclusion, a tax thing so obscure and mundane that I gave up researching it after a whole minute!

In general, it’ll benefit you financially to file your taxes jointly after you get married. But this isn’t always the case if one of you is self-employed or makes significantly less than the other. Bear and I make almost the same amount, and have tried it both ways, and decided that filing taxes jointly works best.

‘Til death do we part

Ah, bureaucracy and paperwork! So romantic!

But as sexy as this legal rigamarole might be, I think we can all agree that you shouldn’t get married just for the legality of it all (immigration conflicts aside). The most important thing to consider when getting married is not how it’ll boost your net worth or how fun it is to declare “THAT’S MY WIFE.”

No, the most important thing to consider when you get married is if your future spouse is someone you’re comfortable peeing in front of in an emergency. That’s love, bitch.