Anti-Goblin Mode: The Game I Play Every Day to Reprogram My Disorganized Brain

Anti-Goblin Mode: The Game I Play Every Day to Reprogram My Disorganized Brain

It’s finally time to talk about Anti-Goblin Mode: my secret holy grail technique for conquering executive dysfunction in my home, my work, and my life in general.

I’ve never written about it before. It seemed too personal and too silly to share. But since I discovered it, I’ve used it nearly every day of my life—and the transformation has been permanent and incredible. And as our patrons demanded an article on becoming organized, its time has come!

One of the best pieces of general life advice I’ve ever received is this: never ask a natural talent to be your teacher. If they came out of the womb composing piano sonatas, don’t ask them to teach you piano! They literally don’t understand the experience of not knowing what they know! This holds true in organization, too. I find that most “organizational systems” were written by people with a natural talent for organization. Y’know—monsters who can keep a white rug clean. Their advice shouldn’t be trusted. Instead, the best teachers are people who struggled and persevered in the face of mediocrity.

On this point, I’m happy to attest that neither nature nor nurture set me up to be an organized person. I grew up the undiagnosed ADHD child of an undiagnosed ADHD parent who was also a hoarder! That means I’ve earned my organized life valiantly, on the battlefield.

So how? How did I become an organized person? I’m happy to tell you it’s not rigid, or complicated, or super philosophical, or time-consuming. I developed a game to help me do it. It’s very simple, but it’s transformed my life for the better. And I hope it might help you too.

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Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying: Finance Philosophy Explained by The Shawshank Redemption

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying: Finance Philosophy Explained by The Shawshank Redemption

Today, we’re revisiting a classic BGR about money, freedom, and The Shawshank Redemption. This extravagantly tangential ramble is definitely a reader favorite! It was one of our first ever written, and remains one of our most popular articles of all time. We’ve revised and expanded it with some brand new sections that feel really important. We’ve also included options to listen to video and audio versions as well. Enjoy!

What you’re about to see is pretty graphic.

Because today I’m going to torture a metaphor to death.

I’m sure it’ll be hard to hear. At times, it was hard to write!

I was almost at the point of walking away from the whole concept for this topic when I heard John 3:16 ringing in my memory: “For Kitty so loved the world, that she gave one of her favorite movies, that whosoever believeth in her should not go broke, but have eternal cash.”

Today I’m going to explain some of the most foundational ideas in personal finance philosophy. These are the concepts that underpin everything that we talk about here at Bitches Get Riches. About…

  • The purpose of money.
  • The value of labor.
  • The dangers of exploitation.
  • The systemic injustices that entrench power imbalances within financial systems.
  • And what YOU can do to free yourself from its grasp.

We’re gonna talk about all of that. But because that sounds BORING, we’re going to talk about it through something that is NOT boring, which is The Shawshank Redemption.

If you have not seen The Shawshank Redemption, I have three questions for you.

  • The first question: are you some kind of Alexandreeey Dumbass?
  • The second question: how? Logistically, how is it possible you haven’t seen The Shawshank Redemption? How did you get from 1997 to the present without watching cable television during daylight hours? Because if were you never home sick, eating Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Noodle and Club Crackers with TNT on in the background, I don’t understand how you got here.
  • The third question: why are you watching this and not The Shawshank Redemption? Pause this, and go to 321freemovies.russia.info or wherever the hell we’re getting movies these days, and go watch it first.

Only after you’ve done so are you allowed to return here and continue on. One hundred and forty-two minutes of narration by Ellis “Red” Redding (Morgan Freeman) is the necessary prep work you need to open your heart and expand your mind.

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The Dollar Bill Game: What You’d Do if Money Were No Object Says a Lot About You

“If money were no object, what would you do with your life?”

Did people ask you this hypothetical question a lot? Especially around high school and college graduation? I did. And it was frustrating as hell, because I was so overwhelmed by my choices that I had no idea how to answer.

This question requires you to have a deep knowledge of yourself and your place in the world—deeper than many young people will have adequate experiences to inform.

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5 Rad Queer Money Experts You Should Follow This Pride Month

It’s Pride Month! The most gayest time of the year! The month when corporations release rainbow-embossed merch and proclaim themselves Down With the Gayness. Yet here at Bitches Get Riches Incorporated, we’re not just LGBTQ+ community spokespeople… we’re also members!

And so it is with zero hypocrisy and a whole lot of enthusiasm that we come to you this week with a very special message. And that message is: personal finance media is gay as hell.

The queer money experts strike again.
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How to Manage Your Burnout When the World Is on Fire (Bonus Episode)

Hiya, Bitch Nation. Ducky here!

Kitty and Piggy are the best bosses I’ve ever had (and not just because I’m legally required to refer to said bosses as “the Bitches” in casual conversation). They are unquestionably brilliant, unfairly funny, and unbelievably supportive.

Both Kitty and Piggy have been through their share of burnout. And while I’ve been dealing with it due to the stress of one of my other jobs, they have been consistently by my metaphorical side, gleefully eating metaphorical popcorn, and providing invaluable, actionable advice.

There is no one better to have on your team when you’re considering questions like, “Am I experiencing burnout?” or “How much stress and toxicity in the workplace is too much?” or “If I follow Kitty’s advice and actually drop the line ‘It sounds like I’m not meeting your expectations as an employee—should we go ahead and set my last day?’ will I get fired on the spot?” (Spoiler alert: we were severely understaffed, so no!)

All of which is to say that after many years of putting their brilliance on the internet for free, the Bitches are offering their first ever course on the topic of burnout! It was, to quote Piggy, a labor of love… but a labor nonetheless. And to quote Kitty as her body broke down into its component parts upon completion of this project, “Oh god my spleen!” (probably).

In today’s special bonus episode of the BGR podcast, the Bitches walk you through a sneak peek of their new course. Listen here and on your favorite streaming platform, or scroll down for a transcript of the episode.

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Punch Burnout Right in Its Stupid Face With Our New Burnout Workshop

In recent years your humble Bitches have been hired to give a few live, in-person speeches and workshops. We always ask the organizers to set a topic (since as you know, we can talk for hours on everything from our chickens to how everyone in the world can be categorized as either a Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard or a Dr. Richard Kimble from the 1993 classic The Fugitive). And we give our spin on whatever they suggest.

Then something interesting happened. During our closing Q&A sessions, no matter what the topic of our presentation was, the conversation with our audience would turn towards the same issue.

That issue was burnout.

Our call to action

Now, we already knew that burnout is a widespread issue. After all, we live on this planet. We’ve delved into the topic quite a bit over the years.

But seeing the pain in people’s eyes and hearing the desperation in their voices was a whole new level of fuckery. Awareness dawned on us that burnout is, for many people, a life-swallowing emergency faced without help, support, or even basic human compassion. These poor people are like sailors lost at sea. They use all of their strength to just keep floating for another moment. They’re too exhausted and depleted to swim for land, even if we told them where it was and how to get there. Our voices were reaching them far too late.

We’ve always felt it was our mission to help people. So when we saw for ourselves how many talented, bright, good-hearted people burnout was grinding into a fine powder, our new goal became clear.

And then we got to work.

Us writing the Burnout Workshop, fueled by divine inspiration.

Now, at long last, we’re unveiling the fruits of our labor.

The Burnout Workshop, presented by Bitches Get Riches and written by us, is complete. Unlike in the past, you don’t have to attend an in-person event to hear it. It’s available to everyone, everywhere—and you can take it right now.

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Learning To Reverse the Golden Rule

As we mentioned in our last article, Kitty and I recently taught a workshop on burnout. We did a ton of research around it. Obviously, we already knew that burnout sucks and is bad (not our hottest take, historically). But that research led us to a much deeper, scarier understanding of exactly how widespread and devastating burnout really is. It’s the difference between knowing how big a blue whale is because Google told you, and knowing how big a blue whale is because it’s rising up from the water beneath you.

The causes of burnout aren’t straightforward. A variety of cultural, organizational, and individual traits work together to burn a person out. Although bigger structural issues deserve the lion’s share of blame, individual struggles with perfectionism, breakneck compulsory productivity, and a cruel inner voice appear in story after story.

I recognize those struggles in the stories we’ve heard from readers. And from many personal friends and loved ones. And from my coblogger, Kitty.

But most especially, from myself.

Today I’m discussing why I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold everyone else. I want to think about how to let go of this unhealthy habit and start treating myself with more kindness and compassion. And since I know this is something I’m profoundly Not Alone in, I’ll share what I’ve learned.

Note: I talk about suicidal ideation and post-traumatic stress in this post. If you don’t feel ready for those topics, maybe skip this one! And if you struggle with suicidal thoughts, please call 988 for help and resources from the Suicide and Crisis Hotline.*

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New Personal Finance Books for Your Bitch-free Summer Vacation

It’s that time of year again, Bitch Nation! SUMMER VACATION!

Long time devotees of the Bitches know that we take precisely two hiatuses (hiati? I’m a highly paid professional editor) every year: one in winter and one in summer. And our summer hiatus starts riiiiiight about… meow. So say good-bye to your Bitches for two whole weeks!

During the break we’ll be doing some richly deserved grape-eating and cabana-boy-gazing. Hah! Just kidding. As usual, we’ll use this time to work on the site and begin production on the next season of the podcast. Call it a “working vacation”—that most repugnant of contradictory terms.

Even though you won’t hear from us for two weeks, we won’t leave you empty-handed. Can’t have you getting bored or restless with no riveting personal finance content to keep you edutained! So of course this hiatus comes with homework.

Behold, the 2022 Bitches Get Riches Summer Reading List:

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How to COMPLETELY Insulate Yourself From Advertisements

Man, let me tell ya, I hate few things more than advertisements.

Ads are the worst. They waste my time and attention. They make me feel spied-upon. Their fundamental purpose is to part me with my hard-won money. Worst of all, they remind me of my dark past working in marketing. I’m trying to leave that behind me, thank you very much!

You might remember this passage from high school…

“If any one unwarily draws in too close and hears the singing of the Sirens, his wife and children will never welcome him home again, for they sit in a green field and warble him to death with the sweetness of their song. There is a great heap of dead men’s bones lying all around, with the flesh still rotting off them. Therefore pass these Sirens by, and stop your men’s ears with wax that none of them may hear…”

It’s from Homer’s Odyssey. Specifically, it’s the part where the sorceress Bavmorda gives advice to Willow Ufgood (you know, the hero of the Odyssey) about how to navigate temptation.

Although she’s a rapscallion known for turning soldiers into pigs, Bavmorda is also a smart lady who gives pretty good advice. Willow ends up lashing Madmartigan to the mast of their ship while stopping his own ears (and those of the prophesied child Elora Danan) with wax.

The moral of this ancient epic poem? Sometimes, the best way to resist temptation is to physically stop yourself from experiencing it in the first place.

Here are some easy ways to make yourself harder to find—and harder to tempt.

Did he get an Oscar for this?
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What Does Your Dream Cost?

What Does Your Dream Cost?

Have you ever sat down and truly asked yourself: What does your dream cost?

It’s a new year. Lots of folks use this time to buckle down and set new goals. Personally, I’m eschewing any kind of quest for productivity or self-improvement this year. Both Bitches had an incredibly stressful holiday season, so we’re too busy being in emotional recovery hibernation mode. Declining with regrets!

Still, I’ve been thinking a lot about goals. And I think one of the most powerful ways to transform dreams into plans is to answer the question “what does your dream cost?”

Our dreams feel more fragile and far away than ever

Young people are pretty gun-shy when it comes to discussing their dreams. Which is totally understandable and fair. Life’s reneged on a lot of important promises. When you unwrap gift after gift to find nothing but coal, you stop bounding joyfully down the stairs on Christmas morning.

If you ask them to describe their plans to achieve something they madly, desperately want, a lot of people freeze up. Or deflect with cynical nihilism. “I dream of owning a little cottage in the woods, but I guess I’ll die in a fire instead lmao!”

(Side note: guys, we GOTTA stop using “lmao” as a synonym for “I am having a mental health crisis.” Can’t we assign some kind of non-standard punctuation mark to this purpose‽)

Anyway, the road to the things you want most may be unfairly long and winding. But that is all the more reason to drive it in daylight, with GPS. Today, I’m going to walk you through some strategies to price out the kind of ambitious, lifelong dreams that feel so hard to quantify. Hopefully it’ll inspire you to do the same with your own bucket list! I promise this exercise will help you pluck your unreachable dreams out of the nebulous realm of “stuff I wanna do” and fix them amongst the stars of “stuff I’m doing.”

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