Anti-Goblin Mode: The Game I Play Every Day to Reprogram My Disorganized Brain

Anti-Goblin Mode: The Game I Play Every Day to Reprogram My Disorganized Brain

It’s finally time to talk about Anti-Goblin Mode: my secret holy grail technique for conquering executive dysfunction in my home, my work, and my life in general.

I’ve never written about it before. It seemed too personal and too silly to share. But since I discovered it, I’ve used it nearly every day of my life—and the transformation has been permanent and incredible. And as our patrons demanded an article on becoming organized, its time has come!

One of the best pieces of general life advice I’ve ever received is this: never ask a natural talent to be your teacher. If they came out of the womb composing piano sonatas, don’t ask them to teach you piano! They literally don’t understand the experience of not knowing what they know! This holds true in organization, too. I find that most “organizational systems” were written by people with a natural talent for organization. Y’know—monsters who can keep a white rug clean. Their advice shouldn’t be trusted. Instead, the best teachers are people who struggled and persevered in the face of mediocrity.

On this point, I’m happy to attest that neither nature nor nurture set me up to be an organized person. I grew up the undiagnosed ADHD child of an undiagnosed ADHD parent who was also a hoarder! That means I’ve earned my organized life valiantly, on the battlefield.

So how? How did I become an organized person? I’m happy to tell you it’s not rigid, or complicated, or super philosophical, or time-consuming. I developed a game to help me do it. It’s very simple, but it’s transformed my life for the better. And I hope it might help you too.

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Our (Ridiculously Simple) Method for Choosing the Right Healthcare Plan For You

Choosing the right healthcare plan can be intimidating, especially if you’re doing it for the first time. The stakes are high; the options are confusing; there’s often a small window during which you can make the choice before you lose your chance; and the whole thing highlights the merciless jank that is our healthcare system!

Luckily, there’s an incredibly easy, 100% foolproof way to make the decision. Here’s our secret to choosing the right healthcare plan:

First, you put it off until there’s only, like, two days left to pick. Then, you forward all your onboarding documents to your dad’s wife, Carol. She is the perfect person for the task, being both generous and detail-oriented in a way you will never understand. Finally, you pick whichever one she says, and never think about it again until your soul walks the halls of the Duat and Anubis weighs your heart against Ma’at’s Feather of Eternal Truth.

Choosing the right healthcare plan? You can do that in your jammies.

… What’s that?

You don’t have a Carol?! My, how awkward for you.

I suppose that means the task falls to me. Heavy is the head that wears the crown of reading fine print! Today I’ll explain a really easy method for choosing the right healthcare plan. If you’ve never chosen your own plan, or you’re faced with a bunch of new options, it’ll help you quickly identify the best one based on your specific healthcare needs.

Today’s article pertains to the American healthcare system. International readers, I’m releasing you early. Use this time to study up on equally important international adulting tasks: navigating Ryanair’s lost baggage policy, keeping poutine from getting soggy, etc.

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A Hand-Holding Guide To Planning the End of Your Pet’s Life

Stop. I know you read this title and attempted to turn and flee back out the door. I anticipated this and caught you by the back of your shirt. We need to talk about this now.

If you’re reading this blog, you’re likely Millennial or Gen Z. They’re the largest pie slice of animal lovers—one in three owns a pet. And our attitudes about pets are really intense. Half of us describe loving them more than our own mothers. And all of those pets are doing the absolute worst thing any pet can do: getting old without us.

You likely won’t have experience with being solely, directly responsible for managing a living being’s decline and death. So we’re going to explain what’s gonna happen, and give you our very best insights.

OH, LIKE I DO? I didn't wake up eager to talk about the end of your pet's life but here I am...

I promise to make this discussion as brief, honest, and detached as possible. We’ve written maudlin tear-jerkers about pets before, and I swear this won’t be one of those. But this is a subject that’s sadly present for both of us right now. Life’s given us lemons recently; this guide will be the lemonade. We want to give some guidance to the people who will one day face the same challenge, so they can feel prepared. All of this advice comes straight from our hearts.

At the end, there’s a handy checklist for your convenience. If you do everything on it, you’ll be as ready as you can be for the end of your pet’s life. Many of them are actions you can start taking long before your pet gets grey around the muzzle, so don’t put off reading it.

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How to File Your Taxes FOR FREE in 2024: Simple Instructions for the Stressed-out Taxpayer

Listen up, babies. We’ve been dancing around the issue of taxes for a while now, and it’s time we got to it. Yes, we’ve explained the importance of taxes as a fee for membership in civilization. We’ve told you why you should file your taxes ASAP. And we’ve even told you about that time the IRS audited me!

It’s time to face the beast head-on. It is our sacred duty, as your duly appointed Bitches, to take you through this unpleasantness step by step.

Yea, though you walk through the valley of the shadow of income tax, you shall fear no audits; for We art with you; Our gifs and Our snark they comfort you.

-The Book of the Bitches, 3:7-9
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3 Legal Documents You Need NOW and Where To Get Them Online for Cheap

A while back, a mutual friend of the Bitches unexpectedly found themselves in the ICU. They were very young, very healthy, and due to be married to their deeply devoted partner within weeks. They were unconscious and totally incapacitated, and needed someone to make healthcare decisions on their behalf.

The funny thing about engagements is that they aren’t legally binding. So even though their fiancé absolutely knew their wishes better than anyone, all medical decisions reverted to their mother. I should say: the alcoholic, emotionally abusive mother they’d moved thousands of miles to escape from.

Maybe you’re one of those lucky people with a spouse, or living parents, who understand and agree with your decisions 100% of the time. But maybe you’re like our friend above, and your default healthcare advocate according to the law is dangerous, untrustworthy, or completely out-of-touch with your wishes and values. Failing to plan for unforeseeable medical emergencies can put your body and your life into the hands of someone who you don’t trust.

And that is a very, very scary situation.

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Season 4, Episode 7: “A Coworker Smells Bad. How Do I Address This Super Awkward Issue at Work?”

NEW MOM ALERT! NEW MOM ALERT! LAUNCH THE ALERT FIGHTERS!

That’s right, bitchlings. Your humble Bitches have a whole entire NEW MOM. Her name is Kathleen and we are devoted to being good daughters to her. We do that by delivering spicy, spicy nuggets of adulting wisdom, served up with a soupçon of rage against the machine and/or patriarchy. And in return, she bestows upon us the highest tier of our Patreon donations!

Mama Kathleen, we’re so grateful for you and your generous patronage. We hope to make you proud.

Now, on with the program!

This time we’re covering a case study we simply couldn’t resist. Namely: How do you handle extremely awkward interpersonal issues in the workplace? Do you stage an intervention? An Ocean’s 11-style heist? An elaborate play the likes of which would make Hamlet look decisive and direct by comparison? Do you change your name and leave the country???

Or is the answer “none of the above”?

Our solution (hopefully) will not surprise anyone.

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The Ultimate Guide to Helping a Sick Friend

This month, our wonderful Patreon donors requested an article on helping a sick friend. I couldn’t be happier, since this has become an area of special expertise for me!

I’ve spent the first months of my early retirement as a full-time caregiver. That definitely wasn’t the plan! My partner was diagnosed with a femoroacetabular impingement: the ball-and-socket joint of his hip wasn’t quite ball-enough, and the socket was too-sockety. So he had corrective surgery. Obviously, getting bone shaved off a weight-bearing joint ain’t something you bounce back from quickly. For him, it meant 6-8 weeks of bed rest, plus 5-6 hours of physical therapy every day, to fully recover within six months

Helping a sick friend is kind of a big deal.

And I wasn’t just taking care of him! While this was happening, a good friend got gender confirmation surgery. They stayed with us for the first part of their convalescence. And somewhere in there, our oldest dog got twelve teeth pulled. It was a lot to deal with all at once! Our house was overflowing with love and pills, pills, so many pills, and also sprays, and ice packs, but mostly pills.

So believe me when I say I’m bringing the full force of personal experiences into this guide to helping a sick friend. More than anything, it takes creativity to be helpful in situations where you feel powerless.

So I’m happy to impart this hard-won adulting wisdom. I hope you can use it to be the MVP of a loved one’s recovery.

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My Cure for Aimless Wardrobe Syndrome: Manage Your Clothes the Same Way You Manage Your Money

My Cure for Aimless Wardrobe Syndrome: Manage Your Clothes the Same Way You Manage Your Money

Until very recently, I suffered from a pretty bad case of Aimless Wardrobe Syndrome.

I felt lost when it came to clothing. I assembled outfits at random. If I ever looked good, it was at the cost of 35 minutes of standing in my closet, hemming and hawing like an asthmatic donkey.

It seemed like a pretty insignificant problem. But eventually, I realized it was quietly harming me every dang day. I was wasting way too much time, money, and spoons deciding what to wear. And it somehow left me feeling worse about myself, not better!

This led me to develop a cure for my Aimless Wardrobe Syndrome. And in retrospect, it was so obvious that I’m sorta kicking myself for not figuring it out sooner.

It requires a bit of time to set up. But it transformed my daily life for the better. Since I developed this system, I’ve been shopping less, buying less, and spending way less time considering my options. And y’all know how I value my money and my time! Yet I also love everything I wear, and wear everything I love. It kicks ass.

Here’s my system. Steal it!

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10 Ways to Spot Financial Scams and How to Defend Yourself

10 Ways to Spot Financial Scams and How to Defend Yourself

Last year we collectively lost our minds stanning MacKenzie Scott. She’s the absolute QUEEN making all the other billionaires look bad by giving away half of her money to charity. No expensive foundations, no self-congratulatory PR machine. Just direct funding to worthy causes. Y’know: what people with more money than they could ever possibly use should do.

Her philanthropy is especially popular because it came as a graceful “fuck you” to her amoral cheat of an ex-husband, Jeff Bezos. (And you guys know how we feel about that guy.)

The $6 billion she’s donated so far is literally record-breaking. Which is why it’s so reprehensible that scammers have taken advantage of Scott’s reputation to steal from unsuspecting victims.

Recently, criminals masquerading as MacKenzie Scott have targeted the vulnerable for financial scams. These desperate individuals have lost thousands in fake transfer fees at the promise that they could be the lucky recipients of Scott’s philanthropy. Which is… so breathtakingly heartbreaking yet also predictable.

Financial scams are on the rise. Thanks in part to advances in digital currencies, global communications, and tech in general, it’s easier than ever to fall prey to these criminal schemes. There are even brand new scams using the COVID-19 pandemic to fleece the unwary.

So today we’re talking about financial scams: how they work, who they target, and how to avoid them. That last one most of all.

We want to arm you against the forces of darkness and set you loose upon the criminal element! Like a bunch of Google-wielding vigilantes, you shall dispense justice by defending yourselves and developing the perfect level of disdain with which to utter “How do you sleep at night?

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My 25 Secrets to Successfully Working from Home with ADHD

I’ve been working from home with ADHD for the last five years.

I mean, I didn’t know I had ADHD until recently. I went to a neuropathologist at age thirty-two after years of procrastination, convinced I was a depressed, lazy, narcissistic underachiever with early onset dementia. Turns out I just had a norepinephrine deficiency in my locus coeruleus, lmao.

Living with a lifelong undiagnosed mental illness sucks shit. But you know what’s a pretty okay consolation prize? The naive tenacity you develop when nobody tells you it’s okay to expect less of yourself!

To be clear: I can’t recommend spending three decades white-knuckling your way through adult life… but you will have the thick, powerful knuckles of a silverback gorilla when all’s said and done!

Working from home pre-diagnosis required a lot of experimentation. Learning to keep myself focused and motivated (with crystal clear work/life boundaries) was tough. I’m going to summarize my very best tips for y’all today, sponsored by our Patreon donors.

Since 42% of Americans abruptly joined Team Work From Home in the last six months, hopefully these tips will help everyone who’s struggling—whether you’re riding the Royal Struggle Bus of Clinical Executive Function Disorders, or just riding dirrrty in your own messy minivan.

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