Bonus Episode: Merry Bitchmas! The 2019 Star-Studded Holiday Spectacular

Theme Song 0:00
If you need some dough
You don’t know where to go
In this patriarchal capitalist hellscape
 
Well here’s the ‘sitch
We’re gonna help you, sis
Because bitches get riches
 
Bitches get riches
Bitches get riches
Bitches get riches
And so can you

Kitty  0:12
You know, there’s nothing that makes me feel like a more magnanimous adult person then when it’s been snowing and I get to go and shovel the driveways and sidewalks of my neighbors who – I know they have kids or they’re older folks and it would be hard for them to do and I just feel like Mother Teresa out there.

Piggy  0:47
It’s magnanimity or altruism Olympics out there. I can’t speak apparently, but no, I I feel like there is no truly greater feeling of altruistic self satisfaction and smugness than shoveling somebody else’s sidewalk and driveway.

Kitty  1:01
It feels so good and the reverse also feels really good. It feels really good when I go out and I see that one of my neighbors who I’d done it for in the past had turned around and done it for me this time. I’m just like, it really is like they say in like thermodynamics or whatever you can’t like – energy can’t be created only like moved around or whatever,

Piggy  1:31
It can’t be created or destroyed it. Yeah, it’s only moved around. Yeah.

Kitty  1:43
What? Do you hear that?

Piggy  1:47
What is that noise?

Kitty  1:49
What is that? You know what it is? I think that’s the sound of eight tiny reindeer hooves on the roof.

Piggy  1:57
Oh my goodness! And do I hear this sound of a large jolly man sliding down the chimney?

Santa  2:05
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.

Kitty  2:08
It’s Santa Claus! Santa your accent is surprisingly Southern for someone who lives at the North Pole.

Santa  2:18
Oh, for someone who can cover the whole world and one night, I’m able to commute anywhere I want to.

Piggy  2:24
But Santa, I think you’re mistaken. We aren’t hoes. We’re the bitches. I’m Piggy.

Kitty  2:29
And I’m Kitty.

Piggy  2:31
And we’re the bitches in Bitches Get Riches.

Kitty  2:33
We’re here with Santa Claus himself to celebrate a very special Bitchmas filled with holiday cheer and hot mulled wine.

Santa  2:41
I’ve got a sack full of gifts for all the good little girls and boys and I come bearing the greatest gift of all: financial wisdom.

Kitty  2:49
Our time on this planet is limited. Santa’s got a lot of houses to hit tonight.

Piggy  2:54
  Mmhmm – for all the good little boys and girls and non-binary children. So let’s get started.

Kitty  3:00
Santa, what’s your first gift and your bag of toys?

Santa  3:03
My first gift to you bitches and your listeners: the confidence to know your worth.

Piggy  3:09
What a fantastic gift! My goodness.

Kitty  3:13
Santa – I am touched! This is a great present.

Santa  3:16
You’re welcome.

Kitty  3:17
I remember in high school, I had a theater teacher who would always tell us when we were trying to get our voices as loud as they could possibly be. She would say, give me so much that I have to ask you to come down to quiet down, because I feel like it’s so much harder to keep asking more, more, more. Give me more, give me more. And that’s kind of how it is with confidence too. I think people worry that they’ll have too much, but usually the thing to be worried about is that you’re not giving enough.

Piggy  3:49
Absolutely – yeah. And I also feel like this really applies to our listeners who are looking for raises or, you know, negotiating salaries with new jobs. Because I remember at my last job when I was telling all of the younger employees that they needed to ask for raises on a regular basis they said things like, “Oh, well, I’m not sure I’ve really earned it”, or “I’m not sure I deserve it”, and had to be like, What are you talking about? You’re incredible. You do your job so well, of course, you’ve earned it. Of course you deserve it. You are worth it.

Kitty  4:27
Yes. And I know that we’ve talked before about how there are a lot of studies that have been done about the ways that men and women tend to look for jobs and a lot of times women are the ones who are looking for jobs that they feel they already have the proof that they can do it. It’s something that they’ve already been doing and men tend to go for things that are more aspirational, like I have not done this yet, but I could do this and I want to get everybody to that point. Because I think that’s where you will really find the most growth in yourself and whatnot.

Piggy  5:08
Absolutely. Santa, do you have anything to add to that?

Santa  5:12
Well, I want to touch on the freelancer friends of ours. As Kara from Bravely says, “Know your worth and then add tax.”

Piggy  5:20
That is so right and speaking of gifts, Kara Perez from BravelyGo is herself a fucking gift to humanity. So I’m so glad you brought up her philosophy on knowing your worth.

Kitty  5:33
Yeah, this is like gift inception, gifts within gifts within gifts.

Piggy  5:38
Gifts-ception.

Kitty  5:40
I love it.

Piggy  5:41
What else is in your bag Santa?

Santa  5:42
My next gift is the self awareness to spend according to your values.

Kitty  5:47
I love that gift. That is such a good gift.

Piggy  5:50
Wonderful gift. Oh – you shouldn’t have.

Kitty  5:52
I think, you know, we write a lot in the personal finance space and a lot of personal finance nerds know that there’s a lot of judgment that goes around the community. Like if you want to win the frugal Olympics, it means you have to live in a horrible hovel, and sleep on a yoga mat on the floor and eat nothing but brown rice that you bought in bulk.

Piggy  6:16
Mmhmm – you have to heat your yurt with your own farts and make your toilet paper out of laundry, lint and yeah. The frugal Olympics are real.

Kitty  6:25
And I think that is totally not where our heads are at. We as we say at the top of this, at the top of all of our episodes, we have only a short time on this planet. And we think that that time should be spent having the most fun and being the most true to yourself that you can possibly be and money is the most valuable tool for getting to make sure that you live your life the way that you want to live it.

Piggy  6:51
Absolutely and you know, the self awareness to spend according to your values like that provides you with choices. Actually, I want to bring up an example of a friend I was talking to you recently. He had a question for me about what he should do with some large amount of money that he came into recently. And he’s a mountain biker and he also has an elderly beloved dog. And he said, “Well, I could spend like four grand on a new mountain bike like a brand new mountain bike, or I could spend that money like just a little bit of it on repairing my current mountain bike and pay off the vet bills for my elderly dog who has like, you know, all the elderly dog diseases.” And I just said to him, I was just like, Well, you know, clearly mountain biking is really important in your life and so is you know, your wonderful dog, but what do you value more? You know, how are you prioritizing that? And I am very pleased to say that he decided to forego the purchase of a brand new mountain bike and instead he repaired his old bike, he paid off his that bills because really when it came down to it, you know, he valued his dog and his dog’s health and happiness more than having the latest toy for mountain biking.

Kitty  8:05
I love that. That’s beautiful and also I agree because I’ve personally never experienced anything in my life as wallet opening as an old dog. Anytime I see like a little white grizzled face I’m just like take all of my money take it all you’re good boy.

Piggy  8:26
You’re absolutely right like my value is begin to end with my elderly dog so I think he made the right choice there and I think that you know, that self awareness and learning how to spend according to your values and how to prioritize your spending according to your values like that really is the greatest gift of all, Santa. Do you have anything to add to that Santa?

Santa  8:45
Yes, as our friend Alyssa from Mixed Up Money says “Every dollar is a vote. So you spend your dollars on the things that matter to you and feel like you can make a difference in this world.”

Kitty  8:57
Ah, another gift within a gift Santa. You really are sneaking over our agreed upon monetary limit for these gifts, but I’m gonna let you get away with it.

Piggy  9:08
Absolutely yeah. You’re really – you’re ruining the Yankee swap here, but I think will allow it because Alyssa have Mixed Up Money she is a national treasure of a gift – you basically just gave us I don’t know the Hope Diamond or wait no that’s bad luck isn’t it? You just gave us the archives of the Smithsonian in the form of a gift from Alyssa of Mixed Up Money.

Kitty  9:34
Yeah, and I totally agree every dollar is a vote indeed.

Piggy  9:39
Mhmm.

Kitty  9:40
What’s your next gift Santa?

Santa  9:42
The next gift is federal tax reform, a higher minimum wage and the end of mandatory minimum sentences for nonviolent offenders.

Piggy  9:51
Wow, this you know, every gift has been amazing, but this gift really gets down to the core of things. I mean, like reforming federal and state policies that affect personal finance that really truly is a gift to all of us.

Kitty  10:08
Yes, I think we’ve talked a lot about how like, you can only control the things that are within your control. We’re trying to teach you how to operate within a system and that system is unfair. And we’re going to give you all the tricks and tips and hints that we can. But at the same time, we, especially now or on the holidays, when we tend to be thinking a lot about how lucky we are and how many people don’t have the same advantages that we do – we should never take our eyes off the prize that this is not the way that it should be. We can do better. Santa, what do you think about this?

Santa  10:49
So as we come here to the end of the decade, yeah, we’re seeing a lot of the memes I guess you could call it on all of social media – all of these changes in the past 10 years from 2009 to 2019. And one I saw this morning showed that the federal minimum wage has not changed from $7 and 25 cents in that whole time, but goddamnit tell me what hasn’t risen in price in those 10 years. And I don’t know how people making minimum wage in this country can continue to survive.

Piggy  11:20
Santa. I am so glad you said that and so eloquently! I had no idea that North Pole university would prepare you for a question like this doesn’t make sense to me that minimum wage workers don’t get a cost of living raise along with inflation every year. You’re absolutely right, that if prices have gone up with inflation then wages should as well and there’s no difference between a white collar worker or a minimum wage service industry worker when it comes to you know how much we have to pay for things. So there really should be no difference in, you know, our cost of our wages rising with the cost of living.

Kitty  12:00
Yeah. I tend to see a lot of people who are like writing in the comments of stuff being jerks saying things like, Oh, well, a retail jobs not a real job or service job isn’t a real job. It’s either some kind of temporary job that you work on your way to a better job. Or it’s something that people who have no skills work on. And I think that that kind of opinion is classist, is degrading. And I think it really diminishes all the value that a good retail worker or a good service worker or a good custodian or all these jobs that we think of as being less than somehow, those people are making all of our lives easier, better, brighter, and they deserve the exact same thing because they’re human just the way that we are.

Piggy  12:54
Exactly.

Kitty  12:55
And I just don’t understand the idea that they’re like the dirt stuck beneath the, those little parts of our shoe that like pop out and make treads.

Piggy  13:06
Yeah. I would actually take that one step further and say it’s not just that their work is valuable, but their time is valuable. It’s not about like how hard or how real a task is. It’s about the fact that people are trading their finite amount of time for money and therefore, that money should be enough to live on. Anybody who’s working, who’s trading their time for money to live on, they should not have to rely on a social safety net. You know, there’s been a lot of debate about how much politics we should talk in personal finance and I respect both sides of that equation to a point, but really, what it comes down to is governmental policies affect personal finance and you can’t talk personal finance without addressing those systemic issues. So I’m just overwhelmed with gratitude at this gift Santa.

Kitty  14:00
Yeah, Santa. Thank you so much. This was a really, really thoughtful gift and hopefully you’ll bring us more iterations on that gift in 2020. Hey, socialized medicine!

Piggy  14:14
Hey, closing the tax loopholes for the uber wealthy!

Kitty  14:18
Hey, a car in every garage, a chicken in every pot and an old dog in every household.

Piggy  14:27
To an old dog in – old dogs 2020! That’s my new year’s resolution is to put an old dog in every household.

Kitty  14:37
That’s the campaign I would vote for.

Piggy  14:39
Right?

Santa  14:40
I also have presence for some of your Patreon donors.

Kitty  14:43
Our Patreon donors are the lifeblood of Bitches Get Riches, we rely on them to fund this whole ludicrous experiment and without them we would just be half mad street preachers screaming about compound interest in public parks before the police come to chase us away.

Piggy  14:59
It’s very true and our Patreon donors really deserve all the joy and goodness in the world. And you can join their ranks by clicking the Patreon link on our website: BitchesGetRiches.com. So Santa, what do you have for them?

Santa  15:12
This one’s for Patreon donor JD Roth.

Kitty  15:16
Okay, so this one is the 10 foot tall stuffed giraffe that we stole in the dead of the night from the lobby of an FAO Schwarz. Gosh, I hope he likes it.

Piggy  15:26
Me too.

Santa  15:27
Oh, he will.

Piggy  15:28
Merry Chris… or Merry Bitchmas JD Roth!

Kitty  15:31
Merry Bitchmas JD!

Santa  15:33
And here’s a gift for Patreon donor Martha Shaughnessy.

Piggy  15:38
Wow, she’s gonna love it. It’s a swan boat commandeered from the Boston Public Garden and tricked out like a war rig from Mad Max: Fury Road. “Witness mee!!”

Kitty  15:49
Martha, Martha, I hope you enjoy this. I’m sorry. It’s so large shipping is very expensive.

Santa  15:55
Here’s a gift for beloved patron Anna Yu.

Kitty  15:58
Ah, you didn’t! You got her the still smoldering rubble of a cheesecake factory, which is definitely not the scene of bitch-approved arson – WINK!

Piggy  16:08
Definitely not! Merry Bitchmas Anna.

Kitty  16:12
Yeah, I know Anna’s gonna like that one.

Piggy  16:15
Mmhmm.

Santa  16:15
This next gift is for Patreon donor Amy Sutherland.

Piggy  16:20
Oh my gosh, this is the best gift of all! Oh my god. It’s the last scripts for Firefly episodes 13 to 100 – what a thoughtful gift!

Kitty  16:30
What the heck, I kind of want that. Do we have to send that to her?

Piggy  16:33
I think we do. We really like Amy.

Kitty  16:36
All right now if you say so.

Santa  16:38
This next gift goes out to all your patrons but especially to Celeste P, Lillian K, Mer, H, Nikita, M, Robert S, Q, Heather H, Michelle T, Josh O, Melissa H, Chelsea B, Tory D, Jessica S, Rachel Marie Y, Elizabeth S, Angela R, Sunim T, Will P, Brenna F, Nicole K, Katie U, Mackenzie M and Aaron.

Kitty  17:18
It’s the sparkling singularity of our undying gratitude and admiration. And hold on there’s actually a little, there’s another little box on the side and inside that it’s flawless hair forever.

Piggy  17:33
Wow, what a generous gift.

Kitty  17:35
Well, our Patreon donors are generous and they deserve it.

Piggy  17:38
They deserve all of it. Yeah. Well, are you good with that?

Kitty  17:42
I’m good with that.

Santa  17:43
I’m good with that too.

Piggy  17:45
Listeners, if there’s a question you’d like for us to answer go to BitchesGetRiches.com and click Ask The Bitches.

Kitty  17:51
There’s only one way to guarantee that we will answer your question and that’s to become a Patreon donor.

Piggy  17:56
If you like what we do and you want to keep going, please become a Patreon donor and support us with whatever donation amount you’re comfortable with.

Kitty  18:03
We also have a merch store where you can buy t-shirts and printable worksheets and more.

Piggy  18:08
Finally, there are some free things you can do to say thanks. Please rate and review us on iTunes, Spotify, Google Play, whatever you use. It bumps us up on the charts and makes us easier to find. You can follow us on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram and Pinterest and subscribe to our articles so you never miss a new one. You can do all of that at BitchesGetRiches.com.

Santa  18:27
You can follow me Santa Claus, aka Josh Overmyer on twitter @Jovermyer1 and on my blog, JoshOvermyer.com. It has widely been proclaimed that I maintain a single degree of separation between all members of the personal finance media-verse, and as such, am the most useful social media follow on the internet.

Piggy  18:45
It’s true!

Kitty  18:45
Hey, is there anything else that they should know?

Piggy  18:49
So the greatest Christmas movie of all time is clearly and beyond contestation “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Kitty  18:56
Okay. That’s a very classic answer. but I think it’s a little basic. My personal preference for the greatest movie to watch at Christmas time is “Tokyo Godfathers.”

Santa  19:08
Well, I think you’re both wrong. The best Christmas movie is “Home Alone.”

Kitty  19:13
Oh my gosh you’re so right Santa.

Piggy  19:16
Why didn’t we think of that?

Kitty  19:18
Good to know.

Kitty & Piggy  19:18
Happy Bitchmas!

Santa  19:23
Keep the change you filthy animals.

Huge thanks to Purple at A Purple Life for her help creating these transcripts!