BONUS EPISODE: "What can I do to prepare for life in a post-Roe world?"

How to Prepare for a Post-Roe World (Bonus Episode)

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 12 Comments

In a good timeline, no one would have to prepare for a post-Roe world. Reproductive rights would be safely enshrined in our constitution, where they belong. Plus, ice cream would never melt.

Unfortunately, last week’s news made it abundantly clear that we’re in a crappy timeline. I accepted this news with horror, but not surprise. My faith in my elected representatives is as melty as a tub of Americone Dream left on the counter overnight.

But this isn’t the time to despair. It’s time to take action. Someone gave us the incredible gift of forewarning. We have two months to prepare. And there’s a lot of steps you can take to protect yourself and others in your community from the appalling consequences of forced childbirth.

Piggy and I hopped on an impromptu recording session to help our readers and listeners steel themselves for the fall of Roe v. Wade. And I’m thrilled to say we left our aimless thrashing and redundant moralizing on the cutting room floor! (Mostly.) What remained were actionable steps to help you prepare for a post-Roe world.

Listen below, or read on for a text transcript.

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How To Protect Cash Savings During High Inflation

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 23 Comments

We’ve gotten a TON of questions recently from readers trying to protect cash savings during periods of high inflation.

Usually, having mad cash and not being sure how to spend it is a fun problem to solve. (Index funds + a nice seafood dinner at a non-chain restaurant is our default answer.) But right now, high inflation is sucking the pleasure out of Scrooge McDucking on a big pile of cash.

Now is a terrible time to be holding onto cash. Cash savings during times of high inflation are guaranteed to lose value. For example: if you had $1,000 saved a year ago, our 8.5% inflation rate means that money can only buy $915 worth of goods today. It sucks for everyone, but especially so for people who’ve been saving up for a long time to hit a life milestone.

We know how hard our readers work and sacrifice to put money away. And it’s so painful to watch it lose its value because of reasons outside your control. So if you’ve got money sitting idle in your checking account, listen up! We’ll do our best to help you take the sting out of shrinking cash savings during high inflation.

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{ MASTERPOST } Everything You Need to Know about Investing for Beginners

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 2 Comments

Long after the Cataclysm, when the Reavers stalked the Land and life in the Before Times was but a distant memory, there were those who sought to understand the past. They sifted through the rubble of long-forgotten cities, searching for clues to the life of prosperity and ease their ancestors had enjoyed.

Ticker tape was found, and a dusty DVD of The Wolf of Wall Street. These artifacts were carefully preserved and venerated, mystics and scholars studying them to unravel the Deep Mysteries. There was a ritual known as “investing,” which took place in a temple called “the stock market” and bestowed upon the masses “dividends.” Could this be the key to the prosperity and opulence of their ancestors?

Only time would tell.

But there were some who remembered the Wysdom of Thee Bitches. You could hear these cultists crying out in the darkness, amidst their nightly rituals, “It’s about time IN the market! Not timING the market!” as they cackled and danced.

It’s been said you can’t save your way to financial independence—you have to invest your way there. But investing in the stock market seems like a complicated, daunting practice reserved for rich people and the bebuttsticked class. In the articles below, we attempt to demystify investing into something everyone can—and should—do.

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Ask the Bitches: How Do I Prepare for a Job Interview on Zoom?

Ask the Bitches: How Do I Prepare for a Job Interview on Zoom?

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 12 Comments

Dear readers… we’re no Ask A Manager. We’re more like Ask A Bargain Bin Manager. Or Ask Someone Who Once Played a Manager on TV. Even Ask Ask A Manager’s Opinionated Knockoff.

But we do love getting questions we’re barely qualified to answer! Like this one, from an anonymous bitchling:

Hey Bitches! I just wanted to say THANK YOU for all the amazing advice! On another note, I have an interview coming up next week, and I’m STOKED that I’m being considered for this position. Only problem is… it’s on Zoom. How do I prepare for a job interview over video chat??? How can I stand out in comparison to other candidates, especially through a computer screen? Thanks!!

– A wild bitchling, rampant on a field of goldenrod
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How to COMPLETELY Insulate Yourself From Advertisements

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 15 Comments

Man, let me tell ya, I hate few things more than advertisements.

Ads are the worst. They waste my time and attention. They make me feel spied-upon. Their fundamental purpose is to part me with my hard-won money. Worst of all, they remind me of my dark past working in marketing. I’m trying to leave that behind me, thank you very much!

You might remember this passage from high school…

“If any one unwarily draws in too close and hears the singing of the Sirens, his wife and children will never welcome him home again, for they sit in a green field and warble him to death with the sweetness of their song. There is a great heap of dead men’s bones lying all around, with the flesh still rotting off them. Therefore pass these Sirens by, and stop your men’s ears with wax that none of them may hear…”

It’s from Homer’s Odyssey. Specifically, it’s the part where the sorceress Bavmorda gives advice to Willow Ufgood (you know, the hero of the Odyssey) about how to navigate temptation.

Although she’s a rapscallion known for turning soldiers into pigs, Bavmorda is also a smart lady who gives pretty good advice. Willow ends up lashing Madmartigan to the mast of their ship while stopping his own ears (and those of the prophesied child Elora Danan) with wax.

The moral of this ancient epic poem? Sometimes, the best way to resist temptation is to physically stop yourself from experiencing it in the first place.

Here are some easy ways to make yourself harder to find—and harder to tempt.

Did he get an Oscar for this?
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How to Painlessly Run the Gauntlet of a 401k Rollover

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 27 Comments

If we’ve taught you nothing else here at Bitches Get Riches, it’s that you should:

  1. sign up for your employer’s retirement plan and
  2. job hop your way to a nice fat salary.

Yet these two bits of career advice might seem to conflict with one another. After all, if you’re job-hopping your way up the salary food-chain, you might be leaving a trail of old retirement plans behind you to languish. What do you do with your old 401k when you move on to a new employer, or even embrace self-employment?

Enter the 401k rollover: the most hateful, obnoxious, and needlessly complicated bureaucratic process known to man.

Today we’re not only going to demystify the process of how to roll over an employer-sponsored retirement plan like a 401k—we’re going to make it beautifully, sinfully painless. It’s going to be so much fun you guys!!!!!

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Ask the Bitches: "Do Women Need Different Financial Advice Than Men?"

Ask the Bitches: “Do Women Need Different Financial Advice Than Men?”

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 13 Comments

Today on Ask the Bitches, we’ve got a GREAT question about whether women need different financial advice than men. And it was asked by… A MAN?!

(Cue: crashing thunder, rain SFX, opening cords of “It’s Raining Men.”)

That’s right, doubters and haters. Despite our joyless misandrist ways, we’ve got male readers. We’ve even got male readers who are so into what we talk about they’re willing to pay us for our work by becoming Patreon donors!

Our male fans be like...

One such donor asked us a thought-provoking question about gender and money that initially kinda stumped me. In short: do women need different financial advice than men?

I had a knee-jerk reaction to say “no” and leave it at that. (Helpful!) But as I thought about it, I realized there are some significant biological and cultural differences worth discussing. Let’s start by reading the particulars of Patron Mat’s excellent question.

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They’re Lying to Us About the True Causes of Inflation

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 21 Comments

Sigh. Fine. Let’s talk about inflation. Everyone else is!

Inflation is the highest it’s been in four decades. Which you know if you’ve paid attention to the news or had the misfortune of listening to a conservative Boomer dad complain recently. If you’ve casually absorbed information from these sources in recent weeks, then you’ve probably also heard that a) there’s no end in sight, b) this is all the government’s fault, and c) nothing can be done to stop the vicious shadowy hand of inflation!

In the words of noted jelly bean lover Ronald Reagan, “Inflation is as violent as a mugger, as frightening as an armed robber and as deadly as a hit man.” (Join our Patreon to make our weekly newsletter Giraffes That Look Like Ronald Reagan a reality.)

Scary stuff, right? Won’t somebody please think of the [checks notes] price per barrel of crude oil????

In all seriousness, I have to work hard to make jokes about inflation. Because it has real negative effects on real people who could really use a fucking break right about now. Somebody choosing between buying overpriced milk for their kids or overpriced gas for their commute to work probably doesn’t give a shit about what’s to blame for high inflation. They just want it to stop.

Which is why today I’m going to toss out all the usual inflation red herrings—the political convenience of using inflation to shit on the current administration, for example—and distractions. And then I’m going to talk about the real struggle.

… the CLASS STRUGGLE, of course!

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The Resignation Checklist: 25 Sneaky Ways To Bleed Your Employer Dry Before Quitting

The Resignation Checklist: 25 Sneaky Ways To Bleed Your Employer Dry Before Quitting

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 28 Comments

I awoke last night in a cold sweat, gripped with the sudden realization that I have an incredibly comprehensive resignation checklist… and I’ve been selfishly sitting on it, to the detriment of the millions of Americans who’ve walked away from their jobs in recent months.

I recognize that this constitutes a top ten anime betrayal.

許してくれ。

I'm so sorry I didn't write this resignation checklist sooner!!

The thing is… I’ve been daydreaming about leaving my job for years. These plans have been a part of me for so long that I kinda forgot they were plans at all. Like, I don’t necessarily notice my own breathing, stretching, or constructing elaborate fantasies about leaving corporate America forever.

Planning to quit ahead of time is a great advantage, and not everyone gets it. In most states, people can be fired suddenly, for no reason. Other people need to leave their job abruptly because of absolutely untenable issues like workplace safety or harassment. Those people do not have the luxury of planning a soft landing for themselves. 

But if you’re planning to quit voluntarily, you can do what they cannot. You can be strategic. Y’know, like Light Yagami eating potato chips! And in doing so, you can extract a ton of value back from your employer and/or your government before you go.

I’m down to just one month at my job, and I’m systematically going through this list. It will save me thousands of dollars. It will also prevent a lot of logistical headaches for my future self. Because I wanna set her up with a low stress post-job lifestyle. Listening to the hold music for the COBRA continuation assistance hotline is not on my retirement vision board!

Here’s my ultimate resignation checklist…

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If You Can’t Afford to Tip 20%, You Can’t Afford To Dine Out

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 68 Comments

The tipping system sucks. It should be eradicated. But it’s the system that servers are stuck with to pay their rent this month, so we are where we are.

"We don't have any."

In the United States, we’ve built a tipping system that is designed to replace employer-provided wages with customer-provided tips. This is in opposition to how tipping was originally intended: as a merit-based reward system for service above and beyond the norm. Under this tipping reality, the amount of your tip isn’t a whimsy, but a necessity to servers.

So if you don’t tip 20%, your server isn’t getting paid even close to a living wage. And if you can’t afford to tip 20%… then you sure as hell can’t afford to dine out.

The power dynamics of tipping

There’s a perfect phrase to describe someone who tips low, or not at all: “garbage person.”

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